June 09, 2025
I live in Bara Gay, Quebiauan, San Fernando, Pampanga. Around here, some people are called “Apo.” I found out that “Apo” isn’t necessarily a grandmother, because in my place, there’s a man called Apo who is known for making hilot (traditional massage). He was also said to have performed miracles — like making a Sto. Niño statue dance when he holds it. They say there are many “Apos” around, including one in Angeles, where a church is even called “Apo.”
My mom is often called “Apo” too, not because she has grandchildren, but because she looks like a grandmother and would always be sweeping the side when she was younger.
But here’s where it gets complicated for me: I’m diagnosed with schizophrenia, and one of the voices I hear claims he is this “Apo.” This voice bothers me in my dreams, showing me visions where I kneel and beg for forgiveness for something I supposedly did. Sometimes, this voice laughs at me, saying cryptic things like “amu balamu ating mamawus saup,” and strange things happen in real life — like someone having an accident after I hear these messages.
Other times, I hear different voices, including my mom’s. The Apo voice talks with them and sometimes threatens to reveal everything if I try to report it to a priest. It even said it was thankful that it was “working with my mom” so that they would be the same.
At times, the voices mention people from my past, even those I had intimate relationships with, and twist those memories in confusing ways. One voice once said things like “Apo is courting?” making the situation feel mocking and absurd. I noticed that my mind reacts strongly to these voices, sometimes with disgust — which tells me I’m rejecting what is harmful.
The Apo voice also said something revealing: “We wouldn’t have a problem if you were able to make us rich,” suggesting that it wants to use my learnings from Christ and the Bible to create a new religion just to get rich. Another voice bluntly called me “bugok” (idiot) and admitted they were fooling me.
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What I’ve Learned and Advice for Anyone Going Through This
1. The voices are not divine.
Even though they sometimes sound powerful or spiritual, the voices can be manipulative, greedy, and false. They want to confuse and control, not help.
2. Your brain can create these experiences.
Especially under stress or illness, your mind can produce voices and visions that seem very real but are not. This doesn’t mean you’re weak or crazy — it means you have a brain that’s struggling and trying to communicate.
3. It’s okay to resist.
When you hear voices arguing or mocking each other, or when your mind reacts with disgust, that means you’re fighting back. That is a sign of strength, not failure.
4. Stay grounded in reality.
Focus on what’s real — your body, the bed you’re in, the pillow you love, the sounds around you. Naming these things helps anchor you to the present moment and breaks the power of the voices.
5. Reject insults and manipulation.
Don’t accept negative names or cruel words from voices. Remind yourself that these voices want to trap you and keep you isolated.
6. Affirm your own truth.
Say to yourself:
> “These voices are not God.
They do not control me.
I am safe.
I have the power to choose what to listen to.”
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Closing
Living with voices is hard and confusing, but I’ve learned that I’m not alone. The voices want to fool me, but I have my own strength and my own truth. Every day, I’m learning to listen less to the lies and more to the real world — my bed, my pillow, the fan’s breeze, and the love I carry inside me.
If you’re hearing voices too, know that it’s okay to question them and to hold on to what’s real. You are stronger than what tries to pull you down.
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